Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
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Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Is….Is this an option?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
OH. COME. ON.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.