Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
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During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Rather alarming headline…
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
God, I love Scotland
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea