I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
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A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often