Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
You Might Also Like
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys