How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
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I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind