“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.