GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
You Might Also Like
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station