[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
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[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
No time to explain get in the wood chipper