Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
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CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill