LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
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( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁