“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
You Might Also Like
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
How to properly lift a body
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.