I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
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HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.