Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
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Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.