[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
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Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
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me: you should see the other guy
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To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
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I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
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I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
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Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today