I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I like long walks away from everyone
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
it’s a van. how do they not know this
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*