My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
You Might Also Like
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me