Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
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I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Trying
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp