the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
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last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’