The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
You Might Also Like
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES