My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
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According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
all that yoga finally paid off
The internet is full of many things
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”