I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.