Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
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ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.