Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
You Might Also Like
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Happy weekend !
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.