I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.