The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
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Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Hey i am sexy to you now
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉