how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
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“Why you watching this shit?”
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?