I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
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Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
ouch
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
wow
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!