My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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Monday again. I just knew this would happen
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.