Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
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I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.