Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
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I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ