You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
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me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂