“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
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My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”