alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
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If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
calling in to work dehydrated
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Lmfao
If you love someone, let them sleep.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple