Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
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When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose