Liquor Store Parking
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Canada has crack?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.