[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
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[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.