Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
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I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are