Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
You Might Also Like
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I was just discussing this with my cat
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
A leaf blower, but for people.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.