My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
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Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on