[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
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God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
The best shot in the history of golf
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
me refusing to leave twitter