*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
You Might Also Like
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.