Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
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Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
584.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!