People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
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DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.