If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
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If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.