You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
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Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
This is true.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET