Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
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“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.