Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
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You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Body by sandwich.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.