*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
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What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
This week’s mood.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses