[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
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Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.