[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
You Might Also Like
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.